So yesterday while sitting in the school line waiting to pick up my boys, my husband and I got into a discussion. These days instead of pulling up to a school and the children being dismissed and running out to find their parents car, children are dismissed a couple at a time to parents who are stuck waiting in a line for almost an hour moving slowly. So why this ridiculous measure? Because to keep children safe we must not allow them any freedom at all!! Let me tell you what's wrong with this picture.
Every 40 seconds in the USA a child is kidnapped. That's right, in the time you've been reading this a child has been kidnapped. Sad right? Well we haven't even gotten to the sad part yet, but we will. One in every 10,000 children kidnapped will die.
So you ask, "Why would you have a problem with protecting our children as much as possible in light of these statistics?" and to that I tell you we are protecting them from the wrong people.
Out of all the children kidnapped only 1.4% are kidnapped by a stranger. Let me make sure you read correct, that's ONE POINT FOUR PERCENT. See this is my point. 98.6% of children kidnapped are kidnapped either by a relative or family friend NOT STRANGERS!
Every year approximately 800,000 children will be kidnapped. Out of that only a little over 11,000 will be taken by strangers.
Each year there are 6 million reports of child abuse. Out of all the children sexually abused, over 90% are by someone they know.
So are we really doing anything to help our children by teaching them stranger danger? Are we hurting them by not teaching them to we aware of their own family and friends? It seems we put a whole lot of effort into the wrong cause.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
The Broken System
Today while sitting in the waiting room at the hospital ER with one of my children I saw and heard something that seriously bothered me. It gave me a little reminder about how sad the foster care system really is. A not so friendly reminder that we in the USA only pretend to care about the children who are left abused.
I saw a woman with a child of about 10. He was obviously not feeling well and was sitting very quietly. The woman on the other hand was the kind of person who talks way too much to people she knows far too little. She came in right after us, and when my son finally got called back she was still running her mouth. The kind of person who talks to anyone who gets within listening range.
See this kind of people have always struck me as people who must be lacking something in their lives. Being friendly is one thing, but simply not shutting up is another. Certainly to be like this, one must be either missing something in the head or have something that has caused them to be this way.
So I had no choice but to listen to this woman go on and on. In an hour and a half I could tell you her life story. Worse is I could tell you everything about that poor boy sitting in that chair next to her.
She went on and on about how nothing in her life ever went right, about how this boy never listens, always gets in trouble at school, always gets sick, and how he just couldn't seem to get anything right.
Then the shocker came. The woman sitting next to this lady, who was stuck listening to this crap, suddenly said "yes, but we have to love our children no matter what" and the loud mouth replied "Oh he's not my child he's just our foster kid"
You're fucking kidding me right?!?!?!?!?!
This woman is sitting here in a hospital ER bitching and moaning about how horrible this child is and he is a FOSTER CHILD! This is what makes me sick. We shouldn't have foster parents like this! We should have families that actually care about the children that come into their homes. We should have some way of weeding out foster parents like this who just don't give a fuck! This woman spent an hour and a half talking down about a foster child that has been through hell already. What has our system come to and will it ever get fixed? Will we ever really care about the children? Will they just keep being a political prop? A feel good for those who need an easy charity? Will someone not stand up and do what is right?
I went through 32 foster homes. Looking back on that now, maybe 5 were of quality to have children in their homes. I saw everything. I saw the foster dad's who needed a young girl around to entertain them, moms who needed a maid, grandmas who needed an older foster child to help take care of all the little foster children, pill heads who sold our stuff for a fix. You name it I saw it. Nothing has changed since I left the system. We praise politicians we vote for like they really do some good.
Newsflash: We have over 500,000 foster children in this country! Do you really think your government is taking care of them?!?
I saw a woman with a child of about 10. He was obviously not feeling well and was sitting very quietly. The woman on the other hand was the kind of person who talks way too much to people she knows far too little. She came in right after us, and when my son finally got called back she was still running her mouth. The kind of person who talks to anyone who gets within listening range.
See this kind of people have always struck me as people who must be lacking something in their lives. Being friendly is one thing, but simply not shutting up is another. Certainly to be like this, one must be either missing something in the head or have something that has caused them to be this way.
So I had no choice but to listen to this woman go on and on. In an hour and a half I could tell you her life story. Worse is I could tell you everything about that poor boy sitting in that chair next to her.
She went on and on about how nothing in her life ever went right, about how this boy never listens, always gets in trouble at school, always gets sick, and how he just couldn't seem to get anything right.
Then the shocker came. The woman sitting next to this lady, who was stuck listening to this crap, suddenly said "yes, but we have to love our children no matter what" and the loud mouth replied "Oh he's not my child he's just our foster kid"
You're fucking kidding me right?!?!?!?!?!
This woman is sitting here in a hospital ER bitching and moaning about how horrible this child is and he is a FOSTER CHILD! This is what makes me sick. We shouldn't have foster parents like this! We should have families that actually care about the children that come into their homes. We should have some way of weeding out foster parents like this who just don't give a fuck! This woman spent an hour and a half talking down about a foster child that has been through hell already. What has our system come to and will it ever get fixed? Will we ever really care about the children? Will they just keep being a political prop? A feel good for those who need an easy charity? Will someone not stand up and do what is right?
I went through 32 foster homes. Looking back on that now, maybe 5 were of quality to have children in their homes. I saw everything. I saw the foster dad's who needed a young girl around to entertain them, moms who needed a maid, grandmas who needed an older foster child to help take care of all the little foster children, pill heads who sold our stuff for a fix. You name it I saw it. Nothing has changed since I left the system. We praise politicians we vote for like they really do some good.
Newsflash: We have over 500,000 foster children in this country! Do you really think your government is taking care of them?!?
Monday, October 22, 2012
I finally Slept
I have been struggling to get to sleep for almost 2 weeks. When it isn't me it's my daughter waking up demanding mommy time. She seems to have a habit of doing this about 5 minutes after I turn my light out.
Last night she didn't wake up. She didn't need any extra mommy time. I was exhausted from the previous night. For some reason I have had 4 nightmares in 2 weeks. My nightmares had never gone away, but they sure weren't coming this often anymore until recently. I have no idea what triggered them. No clue what made they start again so often. So getting to sleep consists of me laying there wondering if I'm going to fall into a nightmare as soon as I close my eyes.
Last night was different though. My husband was on his last work night for the week, yet I didn't feel like I needed him in bed to sleep. I just closed my eyes and out I was until 7am! Seven is late considering the time my girl normally wakes me.
Not one dream. Not anything. Comfortable darkness all night. Tonight my husband will be back home and I am sure I will sleep better. The dreams don't come when he is snuggled next to me. I hate that 2 weeks out of the month he has to work nights.
Off to start my day rested for a change!
Last night she didn't wake up. She didn't need any extra mommy time. I was exhausted from the previous night. For some reason I have had 4 nightmares in 2 weeks. My nightmares had never gone away, but they sure weren't coming this often anymore until recently. I have no idea what triggered them. No clue what made they start again so often. So getting to sleep consists of me laying there wondering if I'm going to fall into a nightmare as soon as I close my eyes.
Last night was different though. My husband was on his last work night for the week, yet I didn't feel like I needed him in bed to sleep. I just closed my eyes and out I was until 7am! Seven is late considering the time my girl normally wakes me.
Not one dream. Not anything. Comfortable darkness all night. Tonight my husband will be back home and I am sure I will sleep better. The dreams don't come when he is snuggled next to me. I hate that 2 weeks out of the month he has to work nights.
Off to start my day rested for a change!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Learning How to deal with life, without a family
14 years
14 of my birthdays, 15 combined birthdays between my children, two marriages, 1 divorce, 3 births, 14 Christmas, 14 Thanksgivings, first words, first steps, and so much more is what my parents missed out on. It has been 14 years today since I left home, or should I say since I was taken and placed in foster care. I aged out of the system with no one. No mother to hold my hand when I went into labor, no motherly advice when my child had colic, no father to set my first husband straight or at least put some fear in him so I would stop being his punching bag, no one ever there to hold my hand though life or tell me when I was messing up. No I had to figure everything out on my own.
Not having parents isn't always a bad thing. The pain that comes from it can be hard at times, but figuring out how to keep the pain from making you miserable can be the hardest part. Always remember that pain is a normal part of any loss. If you aren't feeling pain over a loss then you need to figure out why. All bad things have to be dealt with even when we think the easiest way out is pretending the problem doesn't exist.
Not having parents isn't always a bad thing. The pain that comes from it can be hard at times, but figuring out how to keep the pain from making you miserable can be the hardest part. Always remember that pain is a normal part of any loss. If you aren't feeling pain over a loss then you need to figure out why. All bad things have to be dealt with even when we think the easiest way out is pretending the problem doesn't exist.
Life is not fair
- The most important thing to do is accept there is nothing you can do to get your family back. Even if there was it probably wouldn't be what you wished for.
- No matter if you lost your parents because they died or if you lost them because they did something wrong always remember it was not your fault. Things happen in life that we just can not control. Accepting that is one of the keys to happiness!
- Moving on is another important thing. Even when it feels like the past keeps coming back to haunt you, hold your head up and push forward. Moving on doesn't mean you have to forget. In my opinion you don't even have to forgive to move forward. Just think of what is best and do it.
- If moving forward seems impossible then you are not done grieving. Grieving is an important process that comes with any loss. One must go through all of the needed emotions before ever really moving on. Feel sad, feel angry, cry, scream, write, whatever you need to do.
- Create your own family without feeling guilty. My husband and children are so rewarding that the loss of my family sometimes feels like nothing.
- The final thing is to remember life is not fair! As much as we all would like it to be it just isn't. The quicker we can accept that the quicker we can move on.
End of the day
At the end of the day, the key to life is always looking at what we do have and being grateful for it. We don't have to ignore what we don't have and the pain that comes with it, but we do have to put that pain on the back burner so we can move forward and appreciate the good things in life Life is what we make it. No matter what you have been though, who you have lost, or why you lost them you can make life good again. Just hold your head up and push through. Eventually the pain will lesson and the clouds will clear. Until then, stay strong!
Know the symptoms of Child Abuse!
Sad facts
In 2010 there were nearly 700,000 children in the USA alone that suffered from maltreatment. Out of those 700,000 1,560 died from abuse and neglect. Nearly 3.4 Million children recieved services from child protective services. Twenty percent of those were under the age of one. These are sad numbers. Not just sad but discusting.
Symptoms of Child Abuse
- The child is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn.
- The child has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes.
- The child does not want to go home. Seems to want to go to school early, sty late, or find multiple reasons to not go home.
- The Child always seems to have bruises that are beyond normal for a child their age.
- The child wears odd clothes for the season. Pants or long sleeves in the summer are a big red flag.
- Sudden changes in behavior or school performance of the child.
- The child seems to run away from home often.
- The child shows inappropriate sexual behavior for child's age.
- The child has trouble walking or sitting comfortably.
- The child seeks affection from other adults in their life.
- There is blood in a child's underwear that is unrelated to menastration.
- A child who sexually abuses another child.
- The child avoids certain situations, such as refusing to go to school.
- The child has frequent absences from school
- The child seems to be sick all the time. Such as a headache or stomach ache that has no medical diagnosis.
Please don't dismiss this list
When thinking about the possibilities of abuse to a child there are a few things we must never forget.
Now with that said, just one symptom does not mean a child is being abused. When a child is being abused they show a pattern for that abuse. They become out of character for their age. Never assume because a child has a bruise they are being abused. As a parent I know how easily they bruise just playing. No matter what though always do what feels right!
- Never assume a parent is too "good" to harm a child.
- Never assume a child is bad just for the sake of being bad.
- Never feel that you are out of line by reporting!
- Always remember it is better to be safe than sorry!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Changes
While I originally made this blog to vent the issues around coming from a child abuse background I have decided to include some other things. I will be including information on child abuse statistics and foster parenting and care. These are important issues that far too few know about. So I hope that this can be my way of shedding a little more light on a horrible problem.
Fostering is a real Commitment
The thought of doing something good for children makes a lot of people consider becoming a foster parent. Being a foster parent though isn't a simple job. It requires both knowledge and commitment. So before you even waste a caseworkers time calling to get information consider a few things about yourself and your life first. This is a decision that will directly effect a child's life and should not be taken lightly.
What means nothing to you will mean a lot to a child
When considering taking in a foster child the first thing you should consider is if you have the time to properly care for them. Children who have been ripped out of their homes and thrown in the system will suffer from many issues. They will need time, attention, and love. Do you work long hours with no one at home? Do you work a job that requires you to be on call? Do you have time to take a child to therapy and doctors appointments during normal business hours? While that great job with long hours may pay for the nice home and toys you can provide a child it will not pay for the time and attention that is needed for these children.
The next issue is how stable your life is. Do you move often? Do you change partners often? Do you changes jobs frequently? Are you married? While some of these may seem unimportant they really are. The last thing a long term placement needs is their foster parent making a move with them or a new woman or man coming in the house each week or month. What you do directly impacts the child. Everything in their life changes so often the last thing they need is more change created by you. The ideal situation would be a 2 parent household (married or stable couple) who are living in a home they plan on being in for the long haul. Now I am not saying a single parent can not be a foster parent. Under the right circumstances they can. However a single parent who works long ours and floats through new partners on a regular basis would not be a healthy environment for a child.
The next thing to consider are your finances. Do you really believe the government is going to pay you enough to accurately provide for a child? Well they won't! What they provide may be enough to pay for a couple of outfits and some school supplies, but it will NOT be enough to support a child. You will need to think about many extra costs. Clothes, school supplies, shoes, toys, beds, linens, hygiene supplies, and the extra gas spent taking them to their appointments is just the beginning. So if you think you will somehow make a profit or even break even, I'm sorry to tell you but you are wrong!
The next issue is how stable your life is. Do you move often? Do you change partners often? Do you changes jobs frequently? Are you married? While some of these may seem unimportant they really are. The last thing a long term placement needs is their foster parent making a move with them or a new woman or man coming in the house each week or month. What you do directly impacts the child. Everything in their life changes so often the last thing they need is more change created by you. The ideal situation would be a 2 parent household (married or stable couple) who are living in a home they plan on being in for the long haul. Now I am not saying a single parent can not be a foster parent. Under the right circumstances they can. However a single parent who works long ours and floats through new partners on a regular basis would not be a healthy environment for a child.
The next thing to consider are your finances. Do you really believe the government is going to pay you enough to accurately provide for a child? Well they won't! What they provide may be enough to pay for a couple of outfits and some school supplies, but it will NOT be enough to support a child. You will need to think about many extra costs. Clothes, school supplies, shoes, toys, beds, linens, hygiene supplies, and the extra gas spent taking them to their appointments is just the beginning. So if you think you will somehow make a profit or even break even, I'm sorry to tell you but you are wrong!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Inside my life
When reading my blog it is easy to think I am some self pitying person who is miserable. So I want to let everyone in on the real me for a change.
I am quite happy. I have an awesome family I have created. A husband who in 6 years has never so much as raised his voice at me and I haven't to him. I have 3 beautiful children who are my world. I have 2 wonderful work from home jobs not counting my writing I do on hub pages. I love to get out and go see new places. In an entire year I maybe have 5 bad days.
So why does it come off that I am miserable? Because this is what keeps me sane. This is my therapy. This is my venting so that I don't drive my sweet husband crazy. While he is great to talk to he simply can't make it better. Only I can make my feelings about the past better. No one else will ever do that for me. He reminds me on a regular basis that I am awesome and that even if I have to live with this my whole life he will always support anything I want. This is why I am here. He encourages me to do whatever feels right to me. Strangely what feels right is putting it all out there in hopes of helping someone else. My shitty past made me awesome. It made me love my weird self a little more. It made me appreciate what I have. It made me see the world different. It made me understand the struggles of others, and while it may have made a few bad qualities in me, it still made me into a wonderful, loving, dedicated person. My past made me everything I am, not just the bad things!
I am quite happy. I have an awesome family I have created. A husband who in 6 years has never so much as raised his voice at me and I haven't to him. I have 3 beautiful children who are my world. I have 2 wonderful work from home jobs not counting my writing I do on hub pages. I love to get out and go see new places. In an entire year I maybe have 5 bad days.
So why does it come off that I am miserable? Because this is what keeps me sane. This is my therapy. This is my venting so that I don't drive my sweet husband crazy. While he is great to talk to he simply can't make it better. Only I can make my feelings about the past better. No one else will ever do that for me. He reminds me on a regular basis that I am awesome and that even if I have to live with this my whole life he will always support anything I want. This is why I am here. He encourages me to do whatever feels right to me. Strangely what feels right is putting it all out there in hopes of helping someone else. My shitty past made me awesome. It made me love my weird self a little more. It made me appreciate what I have. It made me see the world different. It made me understand the struggles of others, and while it may have made a few bad qualities in me, it still made me into a wonderful, loving, dedicated person. My past made me everything I am, not just the bad things!
So I have been away for a little while and for that I am sorry, but my life has been full.
My mother is fucking crazy and It has been driving me crazy. Why did I ever think talking with her would be a good idea? She sends me on a roller coaster of emotions. Now after finally putting it all out there and yelling at her for 15 minutes, we went two months without speaking (never in person only by phone), just for her to finally call and spend 15 minutes talking about herself and not one minute asking about her 3 grandchildren! Constantly showing me that when it comes down to it she doesn't give a shit about me or her grand children. A simple waste of a person that I can't seem to let go of even though I lived 12 years without her just fine. I don't know why I can't just drop her like I would any one else who treats me this way. It makes me sick.
All I have when it comes down to it is my husband and children. Everyone else constantly proves to me that I am only worth their time when they either need something or need someone to walk over. This is why I have no friends. It's better to have no one than have people pretending they care when they don't. Why can't I follow this same thought pattern with my mother?
My mother is fucking crazy and It has been driving me crazy. Why did I ever think talking with her would be a good idea? She sends me on a roller coaster of emotions. Now after finally putting it all out there and yelling at her for 15 minutes, we went two months without speaking (never in person only by phone), just for her to finally call and spend 15 minutes talking about herself and not one minute asking about her 3 grandchildren! Constantly showing me that when it comes down to it she doesn't give a shit about me or her grand children. A simple waste of a person that I can't seem to let go of even though I lived 12 years without her just fine. I don't know why I can't just drop her like I would any one else who treats me this way. It makes me sick.
All I have when it comes down to it is my husband and children. Everyone else constantly proves to me that I am only worth their time when they either need something or need someone to walk over. This is why I have no friends. It's better to have no one than have people pretending they care when they don't. Why can't I follow this same thought pattern with my mother?
Friday, August 10, 2012
Seasons
It has been 14 years sent I was removed from my parents. Crazy, some moments I feel like that was forever ago and other days I feel like it was yesterday. I am getting to a good point in my healing. A point where the pain is pretty much gone. A part of my life that doesn't feel so abnormal.
Time goes by much faster the more we age. When we are younger and hear people say that we think that have to be going crazy! Surly it can't feel like the days and months are just flying by. Sadly they do. My youngest child is getting her own personality and my oldest is pushing tween years very fast. I look in the mirror and remember the teen I use to be. I'm getting further and further from those memories and now catch myself having "old people" thoughts when I see teens. The hats sideways, the pants below the butt, the mini skirts on 14 year olds, and the "I know everything," attitudes.
It's funny how life goes. We go through each stage always thinking we are grown up. The reality I am starting to realize is that we never grow up. We just grow into a new season of life. For me I have finally hit the "Everything is going to be okay" phase. Why? Because I am finally understanding that I am worth having everything be okay!
My life is becoming as close to perfect as I could ever ask. I have worked hard to get to this spot, and I am sure I will have bumps along the way. Those bumps will lead me to the next season of my life!
Time goes by much faster the more we age. When we are younger and hear people say that we think that have to be going crazy! Surly it can't feel like the days and months are just flying by. Sadly they do. My youngest child is getting her own personality and my oldest is pushing tween years very fast. I look in the mirror and remember the teen I use to be. I'm getting further and further from those memories and now catch myself having "old people" thoughts when I see teens. The hats sideways, the pants below the butt, the mini skirts on 14 year olds, and the "I know everything," attitudes.
It's funny how life goes. We go through each stage always thinking we are grown up. The reality I am starting to realize is that we never grow up. We just grow into a new season of life. For me I have finally hit the "Everything is going to be okay" phase. Why? Because I am finally understanding that I am worth having everything be okay!
My life is becoming as close to perfect as I could ever ask. I have worked hard to get to this spot, and I am sure I will have bumps along the way. Those bumps will lead me to the next season of my life!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Honorable South Carolina Judge A. Victor Rawl
I have a few questions to ask you. You worked on a case in 1999 through 2000. Case # G046066. This started out as 0397-Sex / Criminal sexual conduct with minor, or Attempt - victim under 16 years of age - Second degree and turned into 0013-Assault / Assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature (ABHAN).
Curious if you could explain to me how a man who rapes his daughter for the first 15 years of her life gets Assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature instead of a Criminal Sexual Conduct
charge? YOU accepted this plea deal! So he went from a charge that would have made him register as a sex offender to nothing.
Was it all the bad behavior the 16 year old accuser had? You know a 16 year old who had been raped the first part of her life, thrown into foster care, and had no one should have good behavior so she can go to court right? Was I suppose to be well mannered and well behaved after all I had been through?
Or was it the serious illness that the defendant had. You know the horrible cancer that was going to kill him in 6 months time anyway? Oh wait no it didn't. He's still alive today! Better yet could you explain to me how a man who gets off on raping his daughter doesn't have to sign up as a sex offender? You know he is active in whatever church will have him right? Constant contact with young girls. So if one of them is assaulted it will also be your fault!
Mr. Judge, I know you were just doing what you could with what you had but you failed, not just me but every other incest survivor. That man you set free raped me, forced me to perform oral, sodomized me, taught me to rob places, and took my virginity. That man is still free. He still haunts my dreams. He still controls my mother. And since you suspended his sentence of 10 years to TIME SERVED even though he only served 6 MONTHS I never even got justice!
I have to live the rest of my life with no justice! He took 15 years of my life plus all the years I will feel the pain and you let him out the second you said guilty.
Sir how do you sleep at night? How did you keep doing this job knowing you were not serving justice?
Does your son have any children? How would you feel if it was them? or your wife?
I hope you sleep well tonight. When you are laying in bed ask yourself if you could have done more. Ask yourself how you would feel. Ask yourself if the sentence you gave was fair. Ask yourself if you are comfortable knowing that man isn't even registered as a sex offender and may be out there doing the same thing to another child.
In closing, no one can go back and change time. No one can fix all the wrongs of this whole thing. You will continue to live your life like this is nothing. I sir, will feel pity for you and pity for your family. It must be hard knowing you failed to protect our justice system. Then again, I'm sure you don't even remember my case, but I remember it every day when I look into the eyes of my children and every night when I go to sleep and dream about the rapes all over again!
Sincerely,
The Incest Survivor You Didn't Give Justice
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mother's day letter to my mom
Mom,
It has almost been 14 years since the day I left home. 14 years since you blamed me for the littering in crowfield, blamed me for the death of your mother, me for the break up of our family. For me it has been 14 years of healing, learning to cope with something I didn't ask for, accepting that I was unwanted, dealing with the fact that the dreams will never go away, feeling the shame when someone asks me about my family, crying myself to sleep,
wondering why my own mother wouldn't want to be at the birth of her grandchildren, wondering how a woman could know her husband was raping her daughter and do nothing, trying to grasp on to anyone who comes into my life, waking up in sweats because the nightmares won't go away, feeling angry with you for expecting to be able to start all over, and desperate to save any piece of a life I can have with you.
I don't know what I am suppose to feel. I have children now and I look at them and wonder how you can claim to love me. I love my children, I know love is not what you did! You loved him not me. You chose him not me? Do you feel guilty? Do you wonder why you fucked up so bad? If you love me why are you with him? Why did you choose to miss out on 11 years of my life? Why mom, why? Don't you care that you don't know your own daughter? That you missed out on your first 2 grand babies coming into this world? Do you feel guilt for not being there for me during my divorce? The man treated me like shit and the one person I needed was not there for me! Do you know how bad it is to know that the one person you desperately seeked would rather live in the woods in hiding than be there for you?!?!
How do you expect me to start over with you if you won't even admit you were wrong? I'm stuck pretending it didn't happen so that you don't have to deal with it! Well here is a news flash! What do you think will happen when he dies? Do you think you can avoid the conversation forever? Do you think the pretending will last? Don't I at least deserve an "I'm sorry"?
You know what mom? I'm sorry! I'm sorry you are too weak to do what is right! I'm sorry you are so delusional that you think the life you are living now was the right choice. I'm sorry you lost out on seeing the kids come into this world. When it comes down to it we do share one common ground. We both are waiting on him to die. When he goes I hope you finally understand how stupid your decision was!
Happy Mother's Day Mom. For better or worse I do Love you and I always will. That doesn't mean I have to love your choices!
Your daughter,
M
It has almost been 14 years since the day I left home. 14 years since you blamed me for the littering in crowfield, blamed me for the death of your mother, me for the break up of our family. For me it has been 14 years of healing, learning to cope with something I didn't ask for, accepting that I was unwanted, dealing with the fact that the dreams will never go away, feeling the shame when someone asks me about my family, crying myself to sleep,
wondering why my own mother wouldn't want to be at the birth of her grandchildren, wondering how a woman could know her husband was raping her daughter and do nothing, trying to grasp on to anyone who comes into my life, waking up in sweats because the nightmares won't go away, feeling angry with you for expecting to be able to start all over, and desperate to save any piece of a life I can have with you.
I don't know what I am suppose to feel. I have children now and I look at them and wonder how you can claim to love me. I love my children, I know love is not what you did! You loved him not me. You chose him not me? Do you feel guilty? Do you wonder why you fucked up so bad? If you love me why are you with him? Why did you choose to miss out on 11 years of my life? Why mom, why? Don't you care that you don't know your own daughter? That you missed out on your first 2 grand babies coming into this world? Do you feel guilt for not being there for me during my divorce? The man treated me like shit and the one person I needed was not there for me! Do you know how bad it is to know that the one person you desperately seeked would rather live in the woods in hiding than be there for you?!?!
How do you expect me to start over with you if you won't even admit you were wrong? I'm stuck pretending it didn't happen so that you don't have to deal with it! Well here is a news flash! What do you think will happen when he dies? Do you think you can avoid the conversation forever? Do you think the pretending will last? Don't I at least deserve an "I'm sorry"?
You know what mom? I'm sorry! I'm sorry you are too weak to do what is right! I'm sorry you are so delusional that you think the life you are living now was the right choice. I'm sorry you lost out on seeing the kids come into this world. When it comes down to it we do share one common ground. We both are waiting on him to die. When he goes I hope you finally understand how stupid your decision was!
Happy Mother's Day Mom. For better or worse I do Love you and I always will. That doesn't mean I have to love your choices!
Your daughter,
M
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Why I will never Forgive
Another site I write for said this was too personal for them to keep published. I think a Christian staff probably just didn't like it. So now it is here for you all to read.
Forgiveness by definition means concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense. So in the most basic way it means that we should not be angry over something that was done to us. There are many times in life when forgiveness is the wrong option. Many use it as a way of feeling like they did their part or that they were the better person. I feel that is simply an excuse to let someone off the hook.
In my life I have been through a lot. Sadly in my 28 years on Earth I have gone through things that many luckily never will. Starting as a child being raped by my father daily, my mother doing nothing, caseworkers showing up just to leave me there for another five years, police officers not connecting why a child would run away from home over 50 times in a year and my first husband who thought it was OK to toss around his pregnant wife. Not one of these people has been forgiven by me for their actions.
As an atheist I do not believe in some just after life where someone will ultimately punish those who have done wrong. Plain and simple is that what we do here on earth and the consequences we receive are all there is. For many that is a scary thought. Having to face that my father will not burn in some place like Hell for all of eternity sucks at times and I wish that just for the sake of it I could believe he would. However I don't. So my feelings of anger and resentment for the things he does are all I can do to punish him.
Now I am not saying that someone should allow their anger to interfere with their growth and development. I have spent that last 13 years of my life growing to become a better person. I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder or feel ashamed for what happened. However anytime I think of my father, what he did to me, and what he continues to do to my mother I feel anger. I feel resentment because he took something from me that I can never get back.
For some reason many people seem to think anger is a bad thing. I am proof it is not. That built up anger is what makes me who I am today. It's why I tell my kids how much I love them, why I support local foster children, why I help my local shelters, why I turned out to be a good person. That anger will always be there. As long as that anger is not taking over your life then what's wrong with it? When my father finally dies it may lessen but I will never forgive. He took many years from me. Is that something you could forgive? Could you not be angry about something like that? Could you justify forgiving someone who did that to your child?
Not me!
The crazy nights!
I don't know how old I was when my parents started taking me to break into places. There are several that I can remember, but I don't know how many I don't remember so there's no telling. It really was crazy! Who takes their 12 year old to break into a club and then as a reward let the child pick what Cd's they can steal? This is what we did though. We stole things. Lots of things.
I remember being with my father and prying off the metal siding on a gas station that had just gone out of business. He cut a whole in the sheet rock and we just went in and filled the bags and got out. Mostly stealing cigarettes and things that could be resold at the flea market.
The other night time favorite was trashing a rich neighborhood that was near us. I am still unsure what my father had against them other than a couple girls from there made fun of me in elementary school. We would take giant bags of trash at 3 in the morning and dump them down the main road through their neighborhood. One time my father went as far as getting a gallon of paint and throwing it on the neighborhood name sign.
The biggest memory I have I can't figure out if I remember it because it was so crazy or because it was the only time I remember my dad messing something up. Usually his plans were well calculated and went smoothly. Only this time it was like he had done no planning at all.
The plan was simple. Break into the concession stand at the local ball field that happened to be owned by the mayor. Get anything of value, cut back through the woods to the car, and leave. Well before I tell you what happened I want to point out two things. One, I was maybe 12 and two the ball field was behind the fire department. He might as well of said lets rob the fire department. Okay so we made it through the woods just fine. We were wearing our dark clothes and gloves. We approached the concession stand and glanced down at the fire department which seemed quiet as expected in the middle of the night. Well the door had a lock on it. Simple enough, cut the lock. So he did. Then he pulled the door open and that's when it happened. We heard a small beep, beep, beep. The sound that I now know is the alarm system giving you a minute to put the alarm code in. The second my father heard it he only said one word. RUN! By the time we made it back to the woods the soft Beep, Beep, Beep had turned into a blaring horn echoing through the woods we ran through. The next sound I heard was the sound of men yelling and what sounded like a dog. My dad reinforced my fear it was a dog and told me to not look back and not to stop because there was a dog not far behind us. The woods were awful to run through. I constantly felt prickly bushes scratching my skin. My father stayed behind me (slightly to his credit) so that if the dog caught up with us it would grab him first. He instructed me on what way to turn. We made it out of the woods that night and back to the car. I remember feeling a little disappointed when we got back in the car that they didn't catch us. Maybe that could have been the end of all the crap, but they didn't.
Now when I visit my home town I have to drive by that location. I look at the woods and they are maybe 3 football fields long if that. In the middle of the night to a 12 year old little girl those woods felt like they were miles long.
I remember being with my father and prying off the metal siding on a gas station that had just gone out of business. He cut a whole in the sheet rock and we just went in and filled the bags and got out. Mostly stealing cigarettes and things that could be resold at the flea market.
The other night time favorite was trashing a rich neighborhood that was near us. I am still unsure what my father had against them other than a couple girls from there made fun of me in elementary school. We would take giant bags of trash at 3 in the morning and dump them down the main road through their neighborhood. One time my father went as far as getting a gallon of paint and throwing it on the neighborhood name sign.
The biggest memory I have I can't figure out if I remember it because it was so crazy or because it was the only time I remember my dad messing something up. Usually his plans were well calculated and went smoothly. Only this time it was like he had done no planning at all.
The plan was simple. Break into the concession stand at the local ball field that happened to be owned by the mayor. Get anything of value, cut back through the woods to the car, and leave. Well before I tell you what happened I want to point out two things. One, I was maybe 12 and two the ball field was behind the fire department. He might as well of said lets rob the fire department. Okay so we made it through the woods just fine. We were wearing our dark clothes and gloves. We approached the concession stand and glanced down at the fire department which seemed quiet as expected in the middle of the night. Well the door had a lock on it. Simple enough, cut the lock. So he did. Then he pulled the door open and that's when it happened. We heard a small beep, beep, beep. The sound that I now know is the alarm system giving you a minute to put the alarm code in. The second my father heard it he only said one word. RUN! By the time we made it back to the woods the soft Beep, Beep, Beep had turned into a blaring horn echoing through the woods we ran through. The next sound I heard was the sound of men yelling and what sounded like a dog. My dad reinforced my fear it was a dog and told me to not look back and not to stop because there was a dog not far behind us. The woods were awful to run through. I constantly felt prickly bushes scratching my skin. My father stayed behind me (slightly to his credit) so that if the dog caught up with us it would grab him first. He instructed me on what way to turn. We made it out of the woods that night and back to the car. I remember feeling a little disappointed when we got back in the car that they didn't catch us. Maybe that could have been the end of all the crap, but they didn't.
Now when I visit my home town I have to drive by that location. I look at the woods and they are maybe 3 football fields long if that. In the middle of the night to a 12 year old little girl those woods felt like they were miles long.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Lately
I am struggling lately. I feel as if part of me is broken. I have such an awesome husband and children that I feel guilty for feeling bad about anything. See everything is coming back up again. After 12 years of no contact with my mother, she got back in touch with me. In the 2 years since I have only seen her once but we chat via social networking and text. She lives in a fantasy of pretend it didn't happen and every thing will be fine. I live in a world of desperation. To speak my mind to my mother and tell her how I truly feel about her abandoning me and choosing my father would make me lose her all over again. Not telling her how I feel leads to a built up resentment for the fact she is still with him and would rather be there than getting to know her grandchildren.
I don't know exactly what I am to do. I hate resenting her but it is impossible not to when she refuses to acknowledge her part in all this. I am tired of everyone sweeping shit under the rug because it is easier than dealing with it.
My closest childhood friend, my aunt, my cousins. Everyone just pretends it didn't happen. They always have. I am not sure if they worry that somehow acknowledging my pain will cause more or if theres been so much time passed that they see no point but for years I have accepted every one's inability to say it out loud. I have to think it every day. Would it be so hard for someone to say I am sorry I didn't notice the signs and protect you? I'm sorry I blamed you for your mom going to jail for protecting your father? I'm sorry for blaming you for your grand mother dying from the stress? I'm sorry for telling my daughter not to speak to you because I thought you ruined my sister's life by telling? I'm sorry I stayed in the same house with you and never noticed the bruises on your body or the weird way you acted around your dad? All I need is one time for the people who were there to acknowledge what happened.
I don't know maybe I am asking for too much too late, maybe somehow this is all a selfish thought. No one owes it to me. I guess I just think it would be the right thing to do. The thing I would do and I guess I can't expect others to do something just because I would.
I just don't know anymore. I thought that one day I wouldn't care any more about every one's reaction or lack there of.
I don't know exactly what I am to do. I hate resenting her but it is impossible not to when she refuses to acknowledge her part in all this. I am tired of everyone sweeping shit under the rug because it is easier than dealing with it.
My closest childhood friend, my aunt, my cousins. Everyone just pretends it didn't happen. They always have. I am not sure if they worry that somehow acknowledging my pain will cause more or if theres been so much time passed that they see no point but for years I have accepted every one's inability to say it out loud. I have to think it every day. Would it be so hard for someone to say I am sorry I didn't notice the signs and protect you? I'm sorry I blamed you for your mom going to jail for protecting your father? I'm sorry for blaming you for your grand mother dying from the stress? I'm sorry for telling my daughter not to speak to you because I thought you ruined my sister's life by telling? I'm sorry I stayed in the same house with you and never noticed the bruises on your body or the weird way you acted around your dad? All I need is one time for the people who were there to acknowledge what happened.
I don't know maybe I am asking for too much too late, maybe somehow this is all a selfish thought. No one owes it to me. I guess I just think it would be the right thing to do. The thing I would do and I guess I can't expect others to do something just because I would.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Right from Wrong
Learning right from wrong is a hard thing to do when you grow up the way I did. See as a small child you think your parents are always right. Your look up to them thinking they are perfect. Surely if they say it then it must be true.
In my earliest memories I was being sodomized by my father and I was so young I had no idea it was wrong. I was scared, I knew that it was painful, but I really thought that my father was telling the truth when he claimed that was how "daddy's show love for their baby girls". For so many years I struggled with that. For years I had no clue what was going on was wrong. People have asked me if I fought. How it went on for so many years? Why didn't you tell? Sadly I asked myself some of the same questions. I struggled with the idea that some how I allowed my father to molest me.
As I became an adult I came to terms with what happened to me and it was several years before I had that thought again. I thought that I never would again. Then one day in a heated screaming match with my first husband he said it. He shouted at me how it was my own fault because I let him. Those words came out his mouth for only one reason. That reason was he felt like he was losing an argument and he wanted to hurt me any way he could to knock me back down. It worked. Out of all the horrible things my first husband did this is the only thing that has continued to hurt me. It's crazy really. As much of a control freak as I am it would make sense to just let go of that heated moment. To know that they were words of anger only. Yet even though I am now remarried to a man who would never say something like that I still have moments where I question myself.
Don't get me wrong as the years went by I learned what right and wrong were, but by the time I got out I was 15. 10 years of that I have random memories of. I have no idea when the abuse started but I'm guessing it started before my earliest memory around 5 years old. How sick can a person be? I now have children of my own. I couldn't imagine hurting my babies. Anyone who would doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. It may have taken a while but I learned right from wrong.
In my earliest memories I was being sodomized by my father and I was so young I had no idea it was wrong. I was scared, I knew that it was painful, but I really thought that my father was telling the truth when he claimed that was how "daddy's show love for their baby girls". For so many years I struggled with that. For years I had no clue what was going on was wrong. People have asked me if I fought. How it went on for so many years? Why didn't you tell? Sadly I asked myself some of the same questions. I struggled with the idea that some how I allowed my father to molest me.
As I became an adult I came to terms with what happened to me and it was several years before I had that thought again. I thought that I never would again. Then one day in a heated screaming match with my first husband he said it. He shouted at me how it was my own fault because I let him. Those words came out his mouth for only one reason. That reason was he felt like he was losing an argument and he wanted to hurt me any way he could to knock me back down. It worked. Out of all the horrible things my first husband did this is the only thing that has continued to hurt me. It's crazy really. As much of a control freak as I am it would make sense to just let go of that heated moment. To know that they were words of anger only. Yet even though I am now remarried to a man who would never say something like that I still have moments where I question myself.
Don't get me wrong as the years went by I learned what right and wrong were, but by the time I got out I was 15. 10 years of that I have random memories of. I have no idea when the abuse started but I'm guessing it started before my earliest memory around 5 years old. How sick can a person be? I now have children of my own. I couldn't imagine hurting my babies. Anyone who would doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. It may have taken a while but I learned right from wrong.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Lost and remembered memories
Over the years of my childhood I think my brain gave up and had enough. I have enough memories to piece together my childhood but sadly the stuff a child should remember is lost. I have no birthday memories, Christmas memories, or holiday memories at all. I don't remember any of my teachers names and I only remember one enough to know he drove a magenta colored car and every one laughed with him about it being pink. I also remember he was kind. Pretty much all the stuff normal people remember I forgot. It seems like I would have kept all the good memories and tossed all the bad ones. That would be the logical reaction to my childhood. That must be the one thing about me that isn't logical. So as I write you will see that I skip around a lot. I have trouble remembering stuff all at one time, so I will only be writing about things that are on my mind.
I have been needing to write this out for years. I no longer let it weigh me down, but I have also never fully dealt with it either. I had plenty of counselors over the years. Ones that cried when I told them my story or as they read my file. Some who loved the phrase "I understand". Others just seemed not to know how to deal with me. I did group therapy and single therapy. Nothing. None of it did any good. All I got out of it were labels and medications pushed down my throat. I have been diagnosed as ADD, ADHD, BiPolar, Anxiety disorder, Depression, and Anti Social Personality disorder. My brain races and I have trouble keeping up with my thought process. I also have trouble going to sleep. I'm a bit of a control freak so I do not take medications. I know how to limit things that will cause a problem and work around the issues my brain has. Medications just change who I am, and honestly I love the me I have become. I have no desire to become the "Normal" person. I hope that there never comes a time when pills are my only option.
More of my childhood coming soon.
I have been needing to write this out for years. I no longer let it weigh me down, but I have also never fully dealt with it either. I had plenty of counselors over the years. Ones that cried when I told them my story or as they read my file. Some who loved the phrase "I understand". Others just seemed not to know how to deal with me. I did group therapy and single therapy. Nothing. None of it did any good. All I got out of it were labels and medications pushed down my throat. I have been diagnosed as ADD, ADHD, BiPolar, Anxiety disorder, Depression, and Anti Social Personality disorder. My brain races and I have trouble keeping up with my thought process. I also have trouble going to sleep. I'm a bit of a control freak so I do not take medications. I know how to limit things that will cause a problem and work around the issues my brain has. Medications just change who I am, and honestly I love the me I have become. I have no desire to become the "Normal" person. I hope that there never comes a time when pills are my only option.
More of my childhood coming soon.
Overview
I grew up in a coastal town of South Carolina. I grew up in what looked like, from the outside, a normal home in a middle class neighborhood. To all that knew my family we were a happy family. Little did everyone know that we were all things wrong. My mother and father did not work real jobs. My grandparents lived in the same house with us. Every bit of money our family had was dirty money. However I was the child that never went without. By the looks of it I was spoiled rotten.
To this day I wonder if anyone thought how a child with no working parent had all the latest things. My fancy toys were not enough to make my childhood good.
My childhood consisted of many thing. Rape, molestation, sodomy, massive hate littering, destruction of property, breaking and entering, grave yard stealing, and elderly abuse were just a some of what my childhood consisted of. All of this at my father's lead. A man with a criminal record a mile long in multiple states was the destruction of both myself and in many ways my mother who still remains with him even though she knows all he has done.
My father married my mother not long after she turned 18. He was in his mid 30's at the time. My mother had already given birth to a boy. I still don't know what happened, but he ended up growing up with my aunt and I didn't even know he was my brother until I was 12 when my grandmother let it slip. My mother never finished high school. The only life she has ever known has been what my father has taught her to be. I struggle to not make excuses for her. I so desperately want to believe that she wanted what was best for me but was too scared to do it. That somehow fear is what made her choose him over me. That she didn't know what was going on, but in my heart I know that all my excuses will never be enough to make me understand.
To this day I wonder if anyone thought how a child with no working parent had all the latest things. My fancy toys were not enough to make my childhood good.
My childhood consisted of many thing. Rape, molestation, sodomy, massive hate littering, destruction of property, breaking and entering, grave yard stealing, and elderly abuse were just a some of what my childhood consisted of. All of this at my father's lead. A man with a criminal record a mile long in multiple states was the destruction of both myself and in many ways my mother who still remains with him even though she knows all he has done.
My father married my mother not long after she turned 18. He was in his mid 30's at the time. My mother had already given birth to a boy. I still don't know what happened, but he ended up growing up with my aunt and I didn't even know he was my brother until I was 12 when my grandmother let it slip. My mother never finished high school. The only life she has ever known has been what my father has taught her to be. I struggle to not make excuses for her. I so desperately want to believe that she wanted what was best for me but was too scared to do it. That somehow fear is what made her choose him over me. That she didn't know what was going on, but in my heart I know that all my excuses will never be enough to make me understand.
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