Monday, April 30, 2012

Lost and remembered memories

Over the years of my childhood I think my brain gave up and had enough. I have enough memories to piece together my childhood but sadly the stuff a child should remember is lost. I have no birthday memories, Christmas memories, or holiday memories at all. I don't remember any of my teachers names and I only remember one enough to know he drove a magenta colored car and every one laughed with him about it being pink. I also remember he was kind. Pretty much all the stuff normal people remember I forgot. It seems like I would have kept all the good memories and tossed all the bad ones. That would be the logical reaction to my childhood. That must be the one thing about me that isn't logical. So as I write you will see that I skip around a lot. I have trouble remembering stuff all at one time, so I will only be writing about things that are on my mind.

I have been needing to write this out for years. I no longer let it weigh me down, but I have also never fully dealt with it either. I had plenty of counselors over the years. Ones that cried when I told them my story or as they read my file. Some who loved the phrase "I understand". Others just seemed not to know how to deal with me. I did group therapy and single therapy. Nothing. None of it did any good. All I got out of it were labels and medications pushed down my throat. I have been diagnosed as ADD, ADHD, BiPolar, Anxiety disorder, Depression, and Anti Social Personality disorder. My brain races and I have trouble keeping up with my thought process. I also have trouble going to sleep. I'm a bit of a control freak so I do not take medications. I know how to limit things that will cause a problem and work around the issues my brain has. Medications just change who I am, and honestly I love the me I have become. I have no desire to become the "Normal" person. I hope that there never comes a time when pills are my only option.

More of my childhood coming soon.

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