Sunday, May 20, 2012

Honorable South Carolina Judge A. Victor Rawl


An Open Letter to Judge Rawl,

                I have a few questions to ask you. You worked on a case in 1999 through 2000. Case # G046066. This started out as 0397-Sex / Criminal sexual conduct with minor, or Attempt - victim under 16 years of age - Second degree and turned into 0013-Assault / Assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature (ABHAN).

Curious if you could explain to me how a man who rapes his daughter for the first 15 years of her life gets Assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature instead of a Criminal Sexual Conduct
charge? YOU accepted this plea deal!  So he went from a charge that would have made him register as a sex offender to nothing.

Was it all the bad behavior the 16 year old accuser had? You know a 16 year old who had been raped the first part of her life, thrown into foster care, and had no one should have good behavior so she can go to court right? Was I suppose to be well mannered and well behaved after all I had been through?

Or was it the serious illness that the defendant had. You know the horrible cancer that was going to kill him in 6 months time anyway? Oh wait no it didn't. He's still alive today! Better yet could you explain to me how a man who gets off on raping his daughter doesn't have to sign up as a sex offender? You know he is active in whatever church will have him right? Constant contact with young girls. So if one of them is assaulted it will also be your fault!

Mr. Judge, I know you were just doing what you could with what you had but you failed, not just me but every other incest survivor. That man you set free raped me, forced me to perform oral, sodomized me, taught me to rob places, and took my virginity. That man is still free. He still haunts my dreams. He still controls my mother. And since you suspended his sentence of 10 years to TIME SERVED even though he only served 6 MONTHS I never even got justice!

 I have to live the rest of my life with no justice! He took 15 years of my life plus all the years I will feel the pain and you let him out the second you said guilty.

Sir how do you sleep at night? How did you keep doing this job knowing you were not serving justice?

Does your son have any children? How would you feel if it was them? or your wife?

I hope you sleep well tonight. When you are laying in bed ask yourself if you could have done more. Ask yourself how you would feel. Ask yourself if the sentence you gave was fair. Ask yourself if you are comfortable knowing that man isn't even registered as a sex offender and may be out there doing the same thing to another child.

In closing, no one can go back and change time. No one can fix all the wrongs of this whole thing. You will continue to live your life like this is nothing. I sir, will feel pity for you and pity for your family. It must be hard knowing you failed to protect our justice system. Then again, I'm sure you don't even remember my case, but I remember it every day when I look into the eyes of my children and every night when I go to sleep and dream about the rapes all over again!


The Incest Survivor You Didn't Give Justice

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Mother's day letter to my mom

 It has almost been 14 years since the day I left home. 14 years since you blamed me for the littering in crowfield, blamed me for the death of your mother, me for the break up of our family. For me it has been 14 years of healing, learning to cope with something I didn't ask for, accepting that I was unwanted, dealing with the fact that the dreams will never go away, feeling the shame when someone asks me about my family, crying myself to sleep,
wondering why my own mother wouldn't want to be at the birth of her grandchildren, wondering how a woman could know her husband was raping her daughter and do nothing, trying to grasp on to anyone who comes into my life, waking up in sweats because the nightmares won't go away, feeling angry with you for expecting to be able to start all over, and desperate to save any piece of a life I can have with you.

 I don't know what I am suppose to feel. I have children now and I look at them and wonder how you can claim to love me. I love my children, I know love is not what you did! You loved him not me. You chose him not me? Do you feel guilty? Do you wonder why you fucked up so bad? If you love me why are you with him? Why did you choose to miss out on 11 years of my life? Why mom, why? Don't you care that you don't know your own daughter? That you missed out on your first 2 grand babies coming into this world? Do you feel guilt for not being there for me during my divorce? The man treated me like shit and the one person I needed was not there for me! Do you know how bad it is to know that the one person you desperately seeked would rather live in the woods in hiding than be there for you?!?!

 How do you expect me to start over with you if you won't even admit you were wrong? I'm stuck pretending it didn't happen so that you don't have to deal with it! Well here is a news flash! What do you think will happen when he dies? Do you think you can avoid the conversation forever? Do you think the pretending will last? Don't I at least deserve an "I'm sorry"?

 You know what mom? I'm sorry! I'm sorry you are too weak to do what is right! I'm sorry you are so delusional that you think the life you are living now was the right choice. I'm sorry you lost out on seeing the kids come into this world. When it comes down to it we do share one common ground. We both are waiting on him to die. When he goes I hope you finally understand how stupid your decision was!

 Happy Mother's Day Mom. For better or worse I do Love you and I always will. That doesn't mean I have to love your choices!

Your daughter,

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Why I will never Forgive

Another site I write for said this was too personal for them to keep published. I think a Christian staff probably just didn't like it. So now it is here for you all to read.

Forgiveness by definition means concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense. So in the most basic way it means that we should not be angry over something that was done to us. There are many times in life when forgiveness is the wrong option. Many use it as a way of feeling like they did their part or that they were the better person. I feel that is simply an excuse to let someone off the hook.
In my life I have been through a lot. Sadly in my 28 years on Earth I have gone through things that many luckily never will. Starting as a child being raped by my father daily, my mother doing nothing, caseworkers showing up just to leave me there for another five years, police officers not connecting why a child would run away from home over 50 times in a year and my first husband who thought it was OK to toss around his pregnant wife. Not one of these people has been forgiven by me for their actions.
As an atheist I do not believe in some just after life where someone will ultimately punish those who have done wrong. Plain and simple is that what we do here on earth and the consequences we receive are all there is. For many that is a scary thought. Having to face that my father will not burn in some place like Hell for all of eternity sucks at times and I wish that just for the sake of it I could believe he would. However I don't. So my feelings of anger and resentment for the things he does are all I can do to punish him.
Now I am not saying that someone should allow their anger to interfere with their growth and development. I have spent that last 13 years of my life growing to become a better person. I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder or feel ashamed for what happened. However anytime I think of my father, what he did to me, and what he continues to do to my mother I feel anger. I feel resentment because he took something from me that I can never get back.
For some reason many people seem to think anger is a bad thing. I am proof it is not. That built up anger is what makes me who I am today. It's why I tell my kids how much I love them, why I support local foster children, why I help my local shelters, why I turned out to be a good person. That anger will always be there. As long as that anger is not taking over your life then what's wrong with it? When my father finally dies it may lessen but I will never forgive. He took many years from me. Is that something you could forgive? Could you not be angry about something like that? Could you justify forgiving someone who did that to your child?
Not me!

The crazy nights!

I don't know how old I was when my parents started taking me to break into places. There are several that I can remember, but I don't know how many I don't remember so there's no telling. It really was crazy! Who takes their 12 year old to break into a club and then as a reward let the child pick what Cd's they can steal? This is what we did though. We stole things. Lots of things.
I remember being with my father and prying off the metal siding on a gas station that had just gone out of business. He cut a whole in the sheet rock and we just went in and filled the bags and got out. Mostly stealing cigarettes and things that could be resold at the flea market.
The other night time favorite was trashing a rich neighborhood that was near us. I am still unsure what my father had against them other than a couple girls from there made fun of me in elementary school. We would take giant bags of trash at 3 in the morning and dump them down the main road through their neighborhood. One time my father went as far as getting a gallon of paint and throwing it on the neighborhood name sign.
The biggest memory I have I can't figure out if I remember it because it was so crazy or because it was the only time I remember my dad messing something up. Usually his plans were well calculated and went smoothly. Only this time it was like he had done no planning at all.
The plan was simple. Break into the concession stand at the local ball field that happened to be owned by the mayor. Get anything of value, cut back through the woods to the car, and leave. Well before I tell you what happened I want to point out two things. One, I was maybe 12 and two the ball field was behind the fire department. He might as well of said lets rob the fire department. Okay so we made it through the woods just fine. We were wearing our dark clothes and gloves. We approached the concession stand and glanced down at the fire department which seemed quiet as expected in the middle of the night.  Well the door had a lock on it. Simple enough, cut the lock. So he did. Then he pulled the door open and that's when it happened. We heard a small beep, beep, beep. The sound that I now know is the alarm system giving you a minute to put the alarm code in. The second my father heard it he only said one word. RUN! By the time we made it back to the woods the soft Beep, Beep, Beep had turned into a blaring horn echoing through the woods we ran through. The next sound I heard was the sound of men yelling and what sounded like a dog. My dad reinforced my fear it was a dog and told me to not look back and not to stop because there was a dog not far behind us. The woods were awful to run through. I constantly felt prickly bushes scratching my skin.  My father stayed behind me (slightly to his credit) so that if the dog caught up with us it would grab him first. He instructed me on what way to turn. We made it out of the woods that night and back to the car. I remember feeling a little disappointed when we got back in the car that they didn't catch us. Maybe that could have been the end of all the crap, but they didn't.
Now when I visit my home town I have to drive by that location. I look at the woods and they are maybe 3 football fields long if that. In the middle of the night to a 12 year old little girl those woods felt like they were miles long.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


I am struggling lately. I feel as if part of me is broken. I have such an awesome husband and children that I feel guilty for feeling bad about anything. See everything is coming back up again. After 12 years of no contact with my mother, she got back in touch with me. In the 2 years since I have only seen her once but we chat via social networking and text. She lives in a fantasy of pretend it didn't happen and every thing will be fine. I live in a world of desperation. To speak my mind to my mother and tell her how I truly feel about her abandoning me and choosing my father would make me lose her all over again. Not telling her how I feel leads to a built up resentment for the fact she is still with him and would rather be there than getting to know her grandchildren.
I don't know exactly what I am to do. I hate resenting her but it is impossible not to when she refuses to acknowledge her part in all this. I am tired of everyone sweeping shit under the rug because it is easier than dealing with it.
My closest childhood friend, my aunt, my cousins. Everyone just pretends it didn't happen. They always have. I am not sure if they worry that somehow acknowledging my pain will cause more or if theres been so much time passed that they see no point but for years I have accepted every one's inability to say it out loud. I have to think it every day. Would it be so hard for someone to say I am sorry I didn't notice the signs and protect you? I'm sorry I blamed you for your mom going to jail for protecting your father? I'm sorry for blaming you for your grand mother dying from the stress? I'm sorry for telling my daughter not to speak to you because I thought you ruined my sister's life by telling? I'm sorry I stayed in the same house with you and never noticed the bruises on your body or the weird way you acted around your dad? All I need is one time for the people who were there to acknowledge what happened.
I don't know maybe I am asking for too much too late, maybe somehow this is all a selfish thought. No one owes it to me. I guess I just think it would be the right thing to do. The thing I would do and I guess I can't expect others to do something just because I would.
I just don't know anymore. I thought that one day  I wouldn't care any more about every one's reaction or lack there of.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Right from Wrong

Learning right from wrong is a hard thing to do when you grow up the way I did. See as a small child you think your parents are always right. Your look up to them thinking they are perfect. Surely if they say it then it must be true.
In my earliest memories I was being sodomized by my father and I was so young I had no idea it was wrong. I was scared, I knew that it was painful, but I really thought that my father was telling the truth when he claimed that was how "daddy's show love for their baby girls". For so many years I struggled with that. For years I had no clue what was going on was wrong. People have asked me if I fought. How it went on for so many years? Why didn't you tell? Sadly I asked myself some of the same questions. I struggled with the idea that some how I allowed my father to molest me.
 As I became an adult I came to terms with what happened to me and it was several years before I had that thought again. I thought that I never would again. Then one day in a heated screaming match with my first husband he said it. He shouted at me how it was my own fault because I let him. Those words came out his mouth for only one reason. That reason was he felt like he was losing an argument and he wanted to hurt me any way he could to knock me back down. It worked. Out of all the horrible things my first husband did this is the only thing that has continued to hurt me. It's crazy really. As much of a control freak as I am it would make sense to just let go of that heated moment. To know that they were words of anger only. Yet even though I am now remarried to a man who would never say something like that I still have moments where I question myself.
Don't get me wrong as the years went by I learned what right and wrong were, but by the time I got out I was 15. 10 years of that I have random memories of. I have no idea when the abuse started but I'm guessing it started before my earliest memory around 5 years old. How sick can a person be? I now have children of my own. I couldn't imagine hurting my babies. Anyone who would doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. It may have taken a while but I learned right from wrong.