Wednesday, May 2, 2012


I am struggling lately. I feel as if part of me is broken. I have such an awesome husband and children that I feel guilty for feeling bad about anything. See everything is coming back up again. After 12 years of no contact with my mother, she got back in touch with me. In the 2 years since I have only seen her once but we chat via social networking and text. She lives in a fantasy of pretend it didn't happen and every thing will be fine. I live in a world of desperation. To speak my mind to my mother and tell her how I truly feel about her abandoning me and choosing my father would make me lose her all over again. Not telling her how I feel leads to a built up resentment for the fact she is still with him and would rather be there than getting to know her grandchildren.
I don't know exactly what I am to do. I hate resenting her but it is impossible not to when she refuses to acknowledge her part in all this. I am tired of everyone sweeping shit under the rug because it is easier than dealing with it.
My closest childhood friend, my aunt, my cousins. Everyone just pretends it didn't happen. They always have. I am not sure if they worry that somehow acknowledging my pain will cause more or if theres been so much time passed that they see no point but for years I have accepted every one's inability to say it out loud. I have to think it every day. Would it be so hard for someone to say I am sorry I didn't notice the signs and protect you? I'm sorry I blamed you for your mom going to jail for protecting your father? I'm sorry for blaming you for your grand mother dying from the stress? I'm sorry for telling my daughter not to speak to you because I thought you ruined my sister's life by telling? I'm sorry I stayed in the same house with you and never noticed the bruises on your body or the weird way you acted around your dad? All I need is one time for the people who were there to acknowledge what happened.
I don't know maybe I am asking for too much too late, maybe somehow this is all a selfish thought. No one owes it to me. I guess I just think it would be the right thing to do. The thing I would do and I guess I can't expect others to do something just because I would.
I just don't know anymore. I thought that one day  I wouldn't care any more about every one's reaction or lack there of.

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