Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Mother's day letter to my mom

 It has almost been 14 years since the day I left home. 14 years since you blamed me for the littering in crowfield, blamed me for the death of your mother, me for the break up of our family. For me it has been 14 years of healing, learning to cope with something I didn't ask for, accepting that I was unwanted, dealing with the fact that the dreams will never go away, feeling the shame when someone asks me about my family, crying myself to sleep,
wondering why my own mother wouldn't want to be at the birth of her grandchildren, wondering how a woman could know her husband was raping her daughter and do nothing, trying to grasp on to anyone who comes into my life, waking up in sweats because the nightmares won't go away, feeling angry with you for expecting to be able to start all over, and desperate to save any piece of a life I can have with you.

 I don't know what I am suppose to feel. I have children now and I look at them and wonder how you can claim to love me. I love my children, I know love is not what you did! You loved him not me. You chose him not me? Do you feel guilty? Do you wonder why you fucked up so bad? If you love me why are you with him? Why did you choose to miss out on 11 years of my life? Why mom, why? Don't you care that you don't know your own daughter? That you missed out on your first 2 grand babies coming into this world? Do you feel guilt for not being there for me during my divorce? The man treated me like shit and the one person I needed was not there for me! Do you know how bad it is to know that the one person you desperately seeked would rather live in the woods in hiding than be there for you?!?!

 How do you expect me to start over with you if you won't even admit you were wrong? I'm stuck pretending it didn't happen so that you don't have to deal with it! Well here is a news flash! What do you think will happen when he dies? Do you think you can avoid the conversation forever? Do you think the pretending will last? Don't I at least deserve an "I'm sorry"?

 You know what mom? I'm sorry! I'm sorry you are too weak to do what is right! I'm sorry you are so delusional that you think the life you are living now was the right choice. I'm sorry you lost out on seeing the kids come into this world. When it comes down to it we do share one common ground. We both are waiting on him to die. When he goes I hope you finally understand how stupid your decision was!

 Happy Mother's Day Mom. For better or worse I do Love you and I always will. That doesn't mean I have to love your choices!

Your daughter,

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