Know the symptoms of Child Abuse!

Sad facts

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In 2010 there were nearly 700,000 children in the USA alone that suffered from maltreatment. Out of those 700,000 1,560 died from abuse and neglect. Nearly 3.4 Million children recieved services from child protective services. Twenty percent of those were under the age of one. These are sad numbers. Not just sad but discusting.

Symptoms of Child Abuse

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1. The child is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn.
2. The child has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes.
3. The child does not want to go home. Seems to want to go to school early, sty late, or find multiple reasons to not go home.
4. The Child always seems to have bruises that are beyond normal for a child their age.
5. The child wears odd clothes for the season. Pants or long sleeves in the summer are a big red flag.
6. Sudden changes in behavior or school performance of the child.
7. The child seems to run away from home often.
8. The child shows inappropriate sexual behavior for child's age.
9. The child has trouble walking or sitting comfortably.
10. The child seeks affection from other adults in their life.
11. There is blood in a child's underwear that is unrelated to menastration.
12. A child who sexually abuses another child.
13. The child avoids certain situations, such as refusing to go to school.
14. The child has frequent absences from school
15. The child seems to be sick all the time. Such as a headache or stomach ache that has no medical diagnosis.

Please don't dismiss this list

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When thinking about the possibilities of abuse to a child there are a few things we must never forget.

• Never assume a parent is too "good" to harm a child.
• Never assume a child is bad just for the sake of being bad.
• Never feel that you are out of line by reporting!
• Always remember it is better to be safe than sorry!

I was the child that everyone made the wrong decision on. People thought my father was great just because I had every toy invented. They assumed that I was just a child who was rebelling against my parents. They misunderstood my 40+ times of running away as me just having behavior problems. I even told my school at age 10. They took pictures of the bruising from neck to thigh and told my father not to do it again. They never even came back for a followup. Please don't let this happen to another child because you are afraid to step in.

Now with that said, just one symptom does not mean a child is being abused. When a child is being abused they show a pattern for that abuse. They become out of character for their age. Never assume because a child has a bruise they are being abused. As a parent I know how easily they bruise just playing. No matter what though always do what feels right!

Changes

While I originally made this blog to vent the issues around coming from a child abuse background I have decided to include some other things. I will be including information on child abuse statistics and foster parenting and care. These are important issues that far too few know about. So I hope that this can be my way of shedding a little more light on a horrible problem.

Fostering is a real Commitment

 

The thought of doing something good for children makes a lot of people consider becoming a foster parent. Being a foster parent though isn't a simple job. It requires both knowledge and commitment. So before you even waste a caseworkers time calling to get information consider a few things about yourself and your life first. This is a decision that will directly effect a child's life and should not be taken lightly.

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What means nothing to you will mean a lot to a child

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When considering taking in a foster child the first thing you should consider is if you have the time to properly care for them. Children who have been ripped out of their homes and thrown in the system will suffer from many issues. They will need time, attention, and love. Do you work long hours with no one at home? Do you work a job that requires you to be on call? Do you have time to take a child to therapy and doctors appointments during normal business hours? While that great job with long hours may pay for the nice home and toys you can provide a child it will not pay for the time and attention that is needed for these children.
The next issue is how stable your life is. Do you move often? Do you change partners often? Do you changes jobs frequently? Are you married? While some of these may seem unimportant they really are. The last thing a long term placement needs is their foster parent making a move with them or a new woman or man coming in the house each week or month. What you do directly impacts the child. Everything in their life changes so often the last thing they need is more change created by you. The ideal situation would be a 2 parent household (married or stable couple) who are living in a home they plan on being in for the long haul. Now I am not saying a single parent can not be a foster parent. Under the right circumstances they can. However a single parent who works long ours and floats through new partners on a regular basis would not be a healthy environment for a child.
The next thing to consider are your finances. Do you really believe the government is going to pay you enough to accurately provide for a child? Well they won't! What they provide may be enough to pay for a couple of outfits and some school supplies, but it will NOT be enough to support a child. You will need to think about many extra costs. Clothes, school supplies, shoes, toys, beds, linens, hygiene supplies, and the extra gas spent taking them to their appointments is just the beginning. So if you think you will somehow make a profit or even break even, I'm sorry to tell you but you are wrong!

 

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Be Good? Are you Serious?

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The most important thing to consider is the behavior of a child in foster care. You are almost guaranteed to get a child in your home who has far from perfect behavior. These children have been physically, mentally, or sexually abused in some way. Expecting them to be perfect would be a delusional thought! Many children float through so many homes that they have no idea how to do good in each house. Every house has different rules to follow, different parents who expect different behaviors, and many never get a chance to get use to a set of parent before they get moved again. To expect them to be good even half the time is almost not even logical. These children need someone with a big heart and a willingness to accept them for who they are. To encourage good behavior not demand it. In my time in foster care I was in over 30 placements. Many gave up on me and wanted me out because of my "bad" behavior. They somehow forgot that I was a 15 year old who had been through hell and back. They expected me to use perfect language, hang around perfect people, and call them mom. All very unrealistic expectations.
So before you consider becoming a foster parent consider if you are willing to put the work and effort that it takes to guide these children on the right path. Don't expect them to be what you want them to be. Instead be the person they need you to be and in the end they will respect you.

 

 

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Inside my life

When reading my blog it is easy to think I am some self pitying person who is miserable. So I want to let everyone in on the real me for a change.
I am quite happy. I have an awesome family I have created. A husband who in 6 years has never so much as raised his voice at me and I haven't to him.  I have 3 beautiful children who are my world. I have 2 wonderful work from home jobs not counting my writing I do on hub pages. I love to get out and go see new places. In an entire year I maybe have 5 bad days.
So why does it come off that I am miserable? Because this is what keeps me sane. This is my therapy. This is my venting so that I don't drive my sweet husband crazy. While he is great to talk to he simply can't make it better. Only I can make my feelings about the past better. No one else will ever do that for me. He reminds me on a regular basis that I am awesome and that even if I have to live with this my whole life he will always support anything I want. This is why I am here. He encourages me to do whatever feels right to me. Strangely what feels right is putting it all out there in hopes of helping someone else. My shitty past made me awesome. It made me love my weird self a little more. It made me appreciate what I have. It made me see the world different. It made me understand the struggles of others, and while it may have made a few bad qualities in me, it still made me into a wonderful, loving, dedicated person. My past made me everything I am, not just the bad things!

So I have been away for a little while and for that I am sorry, but my life has been full.
My mother is fucking crazy and It has been driving me crazy. Why did I ever think talking with her would be a good idea? She sends me on a roller coaster of emotions. Now after finally putting it all out there and yelling at her for 15 minutes, we went two months without speaking (never in person only by phone), just for her to finally call and spend 15 minutes talking about herself and not one minute asking about her 3 grandchildren! Constantly showing me that when it comes down to it she doesn't give a shit about me or her grand children. A simple waste of a person that I can't seem to let go of even though I lived 12 years without her just fine. I don't know why I can't just drop her like I would any one else who treats me this way. It makes me sick.
All I have when it comes down to it is my husband and children. Everyone else constantly proves to me that I am only worth their time when they either need something or need someone to walk over. This is why I have no friends. It's better to have no one than have people pretending they care when they don't. Why can't I follow this same thought pattern with my mother?

Seasons

It has been 14 years sent I was removed from my parents. Crazy, some moments I feel like that was forever ago and other days I feel like it was yesterday. I am getting to a good point in my healing. A point where the pain is pretty much gone. A part of my life that doesn't feel so abnormal.

Time goes by much faster the more we age. When we are younger and hear people say that we think that have to be going crazy! Surly it can't feel like the days and months are just flying by. Sadly they do. My youngest child is getting her own personality and my oldest is pushing tween years very fast. I look in the mirror and remember the teen I use to be. I'm getting further and further from those memories and now catch myself having "old people" thoughts when I see teens. The hats sideways, the pants below the butt, the mini skirts on 14 year olds, and the "I know everything," attitudes.

It's funny how life goes. We go through each stage always thinking we are grown up. The reality I am starting to realize is that we never grow up. We just grow into a new season of life. For me I have finally hit the "Everything is going to be okay" phase. Why? Because I am finally understanding that I am worth having everything be okay!

My life is becoming as close to perfect as I could ever ask. I have worked hard to get to this spot, and I am sure I will have bumps along the way. Those bumps will lead me to the next season of my life!

Honorable South Carolina Judge A. Victor Rawl

 

An Open Letter to Judge Rawl,

                I have a few questions to ask you. You worked on a case in 1999 through 2000. Case # G046066. This started out as 0397-Sex / Criminal sexual conduct with minor, or Attempt - victim under 16 years of age - Second degree and turned into 0013-Assault / Assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature (ABHAN).

Curious if you could explain to me how a man who rapes his daughter for the first 15 years of her life gets Assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature instead of a Criminal Sexual Conduct
charge? YOU accepted this plea deal!  So he went from a charge that would have made him register as a sex offender to nothing.

Was it all the bad behavior the 16 year old accuser had? You know a 16 year old who had been raped the first part of her life, thrown into foster care, and had no one should have good behavior so she can go to court right? Was I suppose to be well mannered and well behaved after all I had been through?

Or was it the serious illness that the defendant had. You know the horrible cancer that was going to kill him in 6 months time anyway? Oh wait no it didn't. He's still alive today! Better yet could you explain to me how a man who gets off on raping his daughter doesn't have to sign up as a sex offender? You know he is active in whatever church will have him right? Constant contact with young girls. So if one of them is assaulted it will also be your fault!

Mr. Judge, I know you were just doing what you could with what you had but you failed, not just me but every other incest survivor. That man you set free raped me, forced me to perform oral, sodomized me, taught me to rob places, and took my virginity. That man is still free. He still haunts my dreams. He still controls my mother. And since you suspended his sentence of 10 years to TIME SERVED even though he only served 6 MONTHS I never even got justice!

 I have to live the rest of my life with no justice! He took 15 years of my life plus all the years I will feel the pain and you let him out the second you said guilty.

Sir how do you sleep at night? How did you keep doing this job knowing you were not serving justice?

Does your son have any children? How would you feel if it was them? or your wife?

I hope you sleep well tonight. When you are laying in bed ask yourself if you could have done more. Ask yourself how you would feel. Ask yourself if the sentence you gave was fair. Ask yourself if you are comfortable knowing that man isn't even registered as a sex offender and may be out there doing the same thing to another child.

In closing, no one can go back and change time. No one can fix all the wrongs of this whole thing. You will continue to live your life like this is nothing. I sir, will feel pity for you and pity for your family. It must be hard knowing you failed to protect our justice system. Then again, I'm sure you don't even remember my case, but I remember it every day when I look into the eyes of my children and every night when I go to sleep and dream about the rapes all over again!

Sincerely,

The Incest Survivor You Didn't Give Justice