The Stories of a Child abuse Survivor: October 2012

Monday, October 22, 2012

I finally Slept

I have been struggling to get to sleep for almost 2 weeks. When it isn't me it's my daughter waking up demanding mommy time. She seems to have a habit of doing this about 5 minutes after I turn my light out.

Last night she didn't wake up. She didn't need any extra mommy time. I was exhausted from the previous night. For some reason I have had 4 nightmares in 2 weeks. My nightmares had never gone away, but they sure weren't coming this often anymore until recently. I have no idea what triggered them. No clue what made they start again so often. So getting to sleep consists of me laying there wondering if I'm going to fall into a nightmare as soon as I close my eyes.

Last night was different though. My husband was on his last work night for the week, yet I didn't feel like I needed him in bed to sleep. I just closed my eyes and out I was until 7am! Seven is late considering the time my girl normally wakes me.

Not one dream. Not anything. Comfortable darkness all night. Tonight my husband will be back home and I am sure I will sleep better. The dreams don't come when he is snuggled next to me. I hate that 2 weeks out of the month he has to work nights.

Off to start my day rested for a change!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Learning How to deal with life, without a family

14 years

14 of my birthdays, 15 combined birthdays between my children, two marriages, 1 divorce, 3 births, 14 Christmas, 14 Thanksgivings, first words, first steps, and so much more is what my parents missed out on. It has been 14 years today since I left home, or should I say since I was taken and placed in foster care. I aged out of the system with no one. No mother to hold my hand when I went into labor, no motherly advice when my child had colic, no father to set my first husband straight or at least put some fear in him so I would stop being his punching bag, no one ever there to hold my hand though life or tell me when I was messing up. No I had to figure everything out on my own.
Not having parents isn't always a bad thing. The pain that comes from it can be hard at times, but figuring out how to keep the pain from making you miserable can be the hardest part. Always remember that pain is a normal part of any loss. If you aren't feeling pain over a loss then you need to figure out why. All bad things have to be dealt with even when we think the easiest way out is pretending the problem doesn't exist.

Life is not fair

The most important thing to do is accept there is nothing you can do to get your family back. Even if there was it probably wouldn't be what you wished for.
No matter if you lost your parents because they died or if you lost them because they did something wrong always remember it was not your fault. Things happen in life that we just can not control. Accepting that is one of the keys to happiness!
Moving on is another important thing. Even when it feels like the past keeps coming back to haunt you, hold your head up and push forward. Moving on doesn't mean you have to forget. In my opinion you don't even have to forgive to move forward. Just think of what is best and do it.
If moving forward seems impossible then you are not done grieving. Grieving is an important process that comes with any loss. One must go through all of the needed emotions before ever really moving on. Feel sad, feel angry, cry, scream, write, whatever you need to do.
Create your own family without feeling guilty. My husband and children are so rewarding that the loss of my family sometimes feels like nothing.
The final thing is to remember life is not fair! As much as we all would like it to be it just isn't. The quicker we can accept that the quicker we can move on.

End of the day

At the end of the day, the key to life is always looking at what we do have and being grateful for it. We don't have to ignore what we don't have and the pain that comes with it, but we do have to put that pain on the back burner so we can move forward and appreciate the good things in life Life is what we make it. No matter what you have been though, who you have lost, or why you lost them you can make life good again. Just hold your head up and push through. Eventually the pain will lesson and the clouds will clear. Until then, stay strong!

Know the symptoms of Child Abuse!

Sad facts

In 2010 there were nearly 700,000 children in the USA alone that suffered from maltreatment. Out of those 700,000 1,560 died from abuse and neglect. Nearly 3.4 Million children recieved services from child protective services. Twenty percent of those were under the age of one. These are sad numbers. Not just sad but discusting.

Symptoms of Child Abuse

The child is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn.
The child has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes.
The child does not want to go home. Seems to want to go to school early, sty late, or find multiple reasons to not go home.
The Child always seems to have bruises that are beyond normal for a child their age.
The child wears odd clothes for the season. Pants or long sleeves in the summer are a big red flag.
Sudden changes in behavior or school performance of the child.
The child seems to run away from home often.
The child shows inappropriate sexual behavior for child's age.
The child has trouble walking or sitting comfortably.
The child seeks affection from other adults in their life.
There is blood in a child's underwear that is unrelated to menastration.
A child who sexually abuses another child.
The child avoids certain situations, such as refusing to go to school.
The child has frequent absences from school
The child seems to be sick all the time. Such as a headache or stomach ache that has no medical diagnosis.

Please don't dismiss this list

When thinking about the possibilities of abuse to a child there are a few things we must never forget.

Never assume a parent is too "good" to harm a child.
Never assume a child is bad just for the sake of being bad.
Never feel that you are out of line by reporting!
Always remember it is better to be safe than sorry!

I was the child that everyone made the wrong decision on. People thought my father was great just because I had every toy invented. They assumed that I was just a child who was rebelling against my parents. They misunderstood my 40+ times of running away as me just having behavior problems. I even told my school at age 10. They took pictures of the bruising from neck to thigh and told my father not to do it again. They never even came back for a followup. Please don't let this happen to another child because you are afraid to step in.

Now with that said, just one symptom does not mean a child is being abused. When a child is being abused they show a pattern for that abuse. They become out of character for their age. Never assume because a child has a bruise they are being abused. As a parent I know how easily they bruise just playing. No matter what though always do what feels right!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Changes

While I originally made this blog to vent the issues around coming from a child abuse background I have decided to include some other things. I will be including information on child abuse statistics and foster parenting and care. These are important issues that far too few know about. So I hope that this can be my way of shedding a little more light on a horrible problem.

Fostering is a real Commitment

The thought of doing something good for children makes a lot of people consider becoming a foster parent. Being a foster parent though isn't a simple job. It requires both knowledge and commitment. So before you even waste a caseworkers time calling to get information consider a few things about yourself and your life first. This is a decision that will directly effect a child's life and should not be taken lightly.

What means nothing to you will mean a lot to a child

When considering taking in a foster child the first thing you should consider is if you have the time to properly care for them. Children who have been ripped out of their homes and thrown in the system will suffer from many issues. They will need time, attention, and love. Do you work long hours with no one at home? Do you work a job that requires you to be on call? Do you have time to take a child to therapy and doctors appointments during normal business hours? While that great job with long hours may pay for the nice home and toys you can provide a child it will not pay for the time and attention that is needed for these children.
The next issue is how stable your life is. Do you move often? Do you change partners often? Do you changes jobs frequently? Are you married? While some of these may seem unimportant they really are. The last thing a long term placement needs is their foster parent making a move with them or a new woman or man coming in the house each week or month. What you do directly impacts the child. Everything in their life changes so often the last thing they need is more change created by you. The ideal situation would be a 2 parent household (married or stable couple) who are living in a home they plan on being in for the long haul. Now I am not saying a single parent can not be a foster parent. Under the right circumstances they can. However a single parent who works long ours and floats through new partners on a regular basis would not be a healthy environment for a child.
The next thing to consider are your finances. Do you really believe the government is going to pay you enough to accurately provide for a child? Well they won't! What they provide may be enough to pay for a couple of outfits and some school supplies, but it will NOT be enough to support a child. You will need to think about many extra costs. Clothes, school supplies, shoes, toys, beds, linens, hygiene supplies, and the extra gas spent taking them to their appointments is just the beginning. So if you think you will somehow make a profit or even break even, I'm sorry to tell you but you are wrong!

Be Good? Are you Serious?

The most important thing to consider is the behavior of a child in foster care. You are almost guaranteed to get a child in your home who has far from perfect behavior. These children have been physically, mentally, or sexually abused in some way. Expecting them to be perfect would be a delusional thought! Many children float through so many homes that they have no idea how to do good in each house. Every house has different rules to follow, different parents who expect different behaviors, and many never get a chance to get use to a set of parent before they get moved again. To expect them to be good even half the time is almost not even logical. These children need someone with a big heart and a willingness to accept them for who they are. To encourage good behavior not demand it. In my time in foster care I was in over 30 placements. Many gave up on me and wanted me out because of my "bad" behavior. They somehow forgot that I was a 15 year old who had been through hell and back. They expected me to use perfect language, hang around perfect people, and call them mom. All very unrealistic expectations.
So before you consider becoming a foster parent consider if you are willing to put the work and effort that it takes to guide these children on the right path. Don't expect them to be what you want them to be. Instead be the person they need you to be and in the end they will respect you.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Inside my life

When reading my blog it is easy to think I am some self pitying person who is miserable. So I want to let everyone in on the real me for a change.
I am quite happy. I have an awesome family I have created. A husband who in 6 years has never so much as raised his voice at me and I haven't to him. I have 3 beautiful children who are my world. I have 2 wonderful work from home jobs not counting my writing I do on hub pages. I love to get out and go see new places. In an entire year I maybe have 5 bad days.
So why does it come off that I am miserable? Because this is what keeps me sane. This is my therapy. This is my venting so that I don't drive my sweet husband crazy. While he is great to talk to he simply can't make it better. Only I can make my feelings about the past better. No one else will ever do that for me. He reminds me on a regular basis that I am awesome and that even if I have to live with this my whole life he will always support anything I want. This is why I am here. He encourages me to do whatever feels right to me. Strangely what feels right is putting it all out there in hopes of helping someone else. My shitty past made me awesome. It made me love my weird self a little more. It made me appreciate what I have. It made me see the world different. It made me understand the struggles of others, and while it may have made a few bad qualities in me, it still made me into a wonderful, loving, dedicated person. My past made me everything I am, not just the bad things!

So I have been away for a little while and for that I am sorry, but my life has been full.
My mother is fucking crazy and It has been driving me crazy. Why did I ever think talking with her would be a good idea? She sends me on a roller coaster of emotions. Now after finally putting it all out there and yelling at her for 15 minutes, we went two months without speaking (never in person only by phone), just for her to finally call and spend 15 minutes talking about herself and not one minute asking about her 3 grandchildren! Constantly showing me that when it comes down to it she doesn't give a shit about me or her grand children. A simple waste of a person that I can't seem to let go of even though I lived 12 years without her just fine. I don't know why I can't just drop her like I would any one else who treats me this way. It makes me sick.
All I have when it comes down to it is my husband and children. Everyone else constantly proves to me that I am only worth their time when they either need something or need someone to walk over. This is why I have no friends. It's better to have no one than have people pretending they care when they don't. Why can't I follow this same thought pattern with my mother?